I crave biscuits and gravy so much in my third trimester that I wonder if this baby girl will roll from me, a buttery, layered biscuit of her own accord with thigh rolls, chubby cheeks, and a Southern drawl cry-squawk.Read More
No matter how sweet
they can be or might have been.
This you have learned
as you squirm under the burden of memories
of your mother rapping your head with a comb
or pinching you in church to quiet
“like a worm in hot ashes.”
I began my adult life making all the predictable choices of my age. Dating, education, marriage, and making a home. I did everything expected of me as a woman except for one thing; I didn’t have children.Read More
When this morning, two weeks before my fortieth, I saw the blood between my legs, I felt grateful.Read More
There are things you write about and things you don't. You take your trauma and turn it into narrative, metaphor, a neatly tied present to present to an audience. You turn your shit into gold. You turn the C-section of your dying child into a linear narrative. There was a dying child inside you, then there was a C-section.Read More
I dreamed of you my whole life. Every baby I ever held carried the thought of you. Every girlhood game, every dreamy drive alone. For years I have mapped your father’s face onto mine. You probably had his peaked, cow-licked hairline, and my nostrils visible in profile. Did the fingers you were building bend as far back as his? I will never, ever know.
My daughter said her preschool teacher has a giant umbrella and she sticks the end in the ground so all the children in her class can play under it. That way they can still enjoy outdoor recess on rainy days.Read More
I am pretty, educated, upper middle class, and successful. I am also 52, almost divorced from an abusive partner, have lost $2 million dollars, and a few years ago I wanted to put a pillow over my children’s faces to suffocate them. All of this is true. And I’ve never told anyone about the latter desire. It’s too grotesque. And it’s what enables me look at those headlines, “monster mother drowns children in bathtub” differently than most.Read More