Oddly, I have chosen to write in the same notebook that has held the plethora of documents and details related to the end of my marriage and to our divorce. Our divorce exists in a bag. All of the folders, financial reports, lawyer's bills, court documents and endless journal entries all exist in one simple bag, set aside since then. I dare not delve deeply lest I uncover agony, history, anger, depression, fear, resolve, and resignation, but the notebook is pulled from the bag for what feels like something meaningful and fresh.
Sitting in the light of the afternoon sun, which filters through the leaves and dance their breeze-touched shadows across my studio, I am content.
I catch the light reflecting in the glass of my mother's portrait from the 1940's. I have placed her here so that she can see the light, watch the birds, the changing colors of the trees, the rain and the snow, when it falls.
I adore this perch.
She sits with me in this dappled, late-afternoon light witnessing the pause in my frenetic pace. We sit in the mornings before the sun rises enjoying the first cup of coffee and joining spirits in meditation.
She didn't want us to divorce. She would never fully understand, but never once did she put that upon me. Perhaps she would have too, if she could have, done the same.
Not then. Not ever.
I imagine she can see for me, all of these lovely things; peacefully admiring from a perch far loftier than mine, with nothing to accomplish and no more running to and fro.
She absorbs this view for me when I cannot. When my dreary corporate job, tethers me indoors under piercing artificial lights while staring at tedium wrapped in side-by-side screens compelling me to let loose my guttural screams and run for the woods.
Resolve. Sigh. A temporary reprieve from the office.
All that I desire exists within the transparency of the leaves, back-lit by the afternoon sun.
The light has a way of holding all of this and promising more of the same. Few things hold such quiet grace.
She reflects back to me what I have missed at the end of each day and urges me onward.
Right now. Forever.
More to be revealed. The light shines me so.
And now, at this very moment, rainbows have magically appeared on this road-weary notebook. A delightfully unexpected synchronization of timing, circumstance, and an intentional pause to reflect on the nurturing spirit that exists within the light.
I am content.
Something meaningful. Something fresh.
A character in and out of sorts. Seeking to master something. Stumbling along the path with her chin most often UP.
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