Let It Be

Childless by choice are we. The dust of our decision has settled comfortably around us. Five lovely years of marriage, resting inside the beautiful life we’ve made for ourselves, and for each other. We are full and complete, calling each other family. Yet... In the back of my mind, always, was a wondering. A wondering if after, say, 5 years of marriage, the baby bug would bite and I’d feel a longing – unfamiliar at first, then a constant companion – to start a different kind of family. “Tough luck,” I would tell myself stoically. “You made your decision, you are out of time, there is nothing to be done.”

I suppose I know myself all too well. Right on schedule, after 5 years as a wife, I now surprisingly start to see the point in having a child, the beauty in making a new life. Yes, it’s a perfectly wonderful and logical next step. Yes, it would indeed add a richness and fullness to our days and years. Suddenly I am terribly interested in participating in one of life’s activities on which I never opened the lid. Having a baby was always for others. 

I am 42 years old. Suddenly, I’d pay good money to get my last 3 years back. I’d take 39 – 39, why not? No need to be greedy. It’s right on the verge of forboding 40. It’s risky but not too risky, and getting pregnant at that age is a bit like an underdog winning. But God doesn’t need those 3 years back. He just needs to say yes, this is the plan. My body is strong and healthy and surely capable of a few new adventures.

Did you know that if you ask yourself the same question 1,000 times, you still may get a different answer the 1,001st time?

Did you know that in some languages, “wait” and “hope” are the same word? Now I do both, and I will do both with equal patience. I have always found God to be full of surprises.

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