I sometimes, ok, I often wonder what will happen if…. when I die. When I am no longer on this earth, that is just unfathomable to me. There will be all new people in MY grocery store, where I get my strawberries, healthy meats (is there such a thing?) and cat food and snacks for Jimmy. Oh God what will happen to Jimmy if I die first? How can I no longer exist? I haven’t had enough time to see all I want to see and do. Have I wasted some precious time when I just want to hang out or take a nap?
What about my house, my stuff? Oh God all my stuff that I’ve accumulated. My carefully selected pillows for the window seat Mike only made two months ago. My custom-made bookcase. I really don’t want anybody to have that. It was made just for me. The “Suze” lemon yellow pitcher I grabbed in a flea market on my last trip to Paris? My clothes? Will they all be tossed away or given to Goodwill? It scares me, it really does. I wonder if maybe I should start getting rid of my stuff, decluttering? Look at my carefully selected desk which overlooks our little backyard, so I can see the birds. What about the bright red cardinals, the yellow goldfinch, the playful squirrels? Will I never see them or them me? It all makes me so anxious. My goal is to not obsess over death. I know that we all must face it, but I don’t like it. Not one bit.
Susan is a free lance writer, a hospice volunteer, an animal lover, and a person who sometimes thinks way too much about life. It's a good life but I want to extend it by about 50 years.