That's When I Saw Her

She was guilty
The love affairs, the one night stands
The bar games she played with her girl friends,
She liked the power
To catch them wanting her,
She had the gift, the right equipment
Knowing the moves, how to dress
Not conspicuous, nor too subtle
The hint of madness in her eyes,
Just enough to spark their imagination,
Once the flint met those steel blue eyes, 
The fire would slowly burn

Mama was a bitch
For sure, the years growing up
Nothing ever good enough
Not for Mama, the opera queen,
Always complaining she got overlooked, 
Jealous of every woman, young or old
Who might look twice
At her Rock Hudson husband
Who was faithful as a saint
Strong in his resolve to make life work, 
The only true man, she loved
As only a little girl can love her father

She breezed through her teens
Smart enough, good grades
Cheerleader, lot’s of friends
Who could not see the shadows
Around her heart, an empty longing
For something she could not name,
She hid it well, behind the sundresses,
Golden hair perfectly framing
Her perfect skin and delicious smile,
Like the enchantment of sunset on the beach
The glow of ash-pink, celandon, juicy yellow
And saffron searching only for her

She got confused, 
After a while as she tried to remember
Their names, or trace their faces
Against the memories of places when
She was sober enough to care
That they were married or not, 
She laughed a lot at their silly proposals
Promising gifts, or secret trips, to do anything
To be chosen over all the others
As if she had a choice,
As if she knew who they were, 
As if she knew what she really wanted.

The day arrived when she contemplated
The change, what would it take
A long, deep excavation of her soul
Without harsh penitence or promises
To be good, to be different, 
But rather to be true, locating
Within herself a place of genuine connection
A vision of becoming a person
Committed to actions she believed in,
Willing to accept sacrifices, some regrets
As necessary to live in the present moment
Fully alive, wasting nothing precious

So, she began
And has not looked back
That’s when I saw her shinning!

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