Right now I'm exhausted because I just did one of those suggested in-home cardio workouts since I don't want to pay for a gym membership and it's too dark and spooky outside for me to be jogging. I was about to eat more chicken wings when an essay about a 26 year-old with pre-diabetes popped up and I read it and got a little paranoid. She had pounds that weren't easy to shed. She also had an acne outbreak. She also sat on the couch and did absolutely nothing, just like me. I just had a kidney stone at the beginning of 2016, an omen for the rest of the year, but it made me realize I'm no longer invincible. If I can roll around in pain and nausea for eight hours straight because of something I didn't think was possible until your forties, then it's possible my blood sugar may be higher than the Empire State Building I still hate thinking about (being forced to go up it when you have a severe fear of heights causes some issues later on in life).
Anyhow, Shape had some picture diagrams about what I was supposed to be doing. First, stretching. Nailed it. Second, mountain climbers, as many as possible for one minute. Easy enough. Until it wasn't. I chastised myself for being a lard and moved on to the next challenge: burpees. Except I only did two of 3 steps because you're supposed to do this push-up thing but I was afraid if I did I'd collapse on the floor and stay there, wondering why of all days I bought the half-price extra saucy wings from Buffalo Wild Wings. Then I reminded myself they were half-price and I figured if I was going to the dentist later, that's a free and thorough flossing anyhow. Then I ran in place as fast as I could to burn out any extra energy. I want to run as fast as possible from my family medical history, but I'm afraid it's actually a track-star or Secretariat and my genes are just waiting to let me think I have the lead long enough to sneak up behind me and say, "SURPRISE! NO MORE AMAZING WINGS!"
Gretchen is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in Wear Your Voice Mag, The Establishment, Bustle, For Her, and more. She wants to look as good as Ariana Grande looks doing a spin class in her "Side to Side" video, but refuses to get up at 5:00am to make the local class. More work can be found at writinggales.wordpress.com.