I'm Still in the Closet

The term "in the closet" is commonly used to describe someone who hides their sexuality. I'm not gay. I'm a woman who loves men. To me, there is nothing more majestic than a beautiful penis. 

Even though I'm straight, I still consider myself to be "in the closet." I say this because there are certain parts of my sexuality I feel the need to hide from the world and, worse, even from my husband. 

Here's the kicker: I'm married, but I don't believe in monogamy. Who came up with this stupid idea, anyway? I mean, really, it just isn't natural to sleep with one person the rest of your life. I honestly believe that deep down, whether we admit it or not, we all desire to sleep with other people. We're just not supposed to say that. It's taboo. 

I love my husband. We have been together since high school. I also love Rocky Road ice cream. Every once in a while, though, I have a hankering for vanilla ice cream. It doesn't diminish my love for Rocky Road, but sometimes I just want something new, something different. It's the same with my husband. I love him. We have a great sex life. But, that doesn't keep me from wondering how another man's body would feel against mine. Is that really so wrong?

If you don't think you have a desire to sleep with more than one person, answer this question. Who do you think about when you're pleasuring yourself? I'm willing to bet it's not your significant other. I call it my highlight reel. It's the movie that plays in my head when I'm touching myself under the covers. It includes former lovers, co-workers and, of course, Johnny Depp. 

I'm a good wife, but staying faithful is a daily struggle for me, and something I'm trying to come to terms with. Still, I'd love to throat punch whoever decided that monogamy should be the standard. It was probably some insecure asshole who deserves to be punched anyway.

I wish we, as a society, could be open about our sexual desires. Because I have so much to lose, I remain in the closet, even if it kills me a little inside every day. As the old saying goes, I like steak, but I don't want to eat it every night.


Richmond, VA