You see, I'm sitting on this god damned kitchen floor again. And doing nothing practical but passing the time until another wave comes over. Painting my nails and smelling the warm gluttony of the pizza I've had delivered, but have no intention of eating. This floor has become my favorite place in my now not-so-new apartment. 

A small place that I believed would in some way be a sanctuary and gateway to my new life. A life where I'm not married to a very cruel and tender man. A life where I am not always responsible but never appreciated. A life that might give something back, for once. 

That old life, though, I yearn for in a way that makes my soul feel empty. To prepare for the new life, I bought a dining room table and set up the TV. New linens, good wine. Comfortable things that I appreciate, you know? 

Things that I would never buy for myself in old life cause I was always too busy worried with how much it's gonna cost me to keep him just drunk enough this weekend and hold the universe together with my bare hands. 

And sometimes it was really bad, but sometimes it wasn't. 

The bathtub's uncomfortable in new life and the kid upstairs runs back and forth constantly it seems. I spend my nights not eating; staring at the walls, sitting on this cold kitchen floor.


Charlottesville, VA

I am a Virginia native, full time health care administrator, and part time yoga teacher. Making time to write is hard for me, but I'm working on it.

Sarah BaugherComment