Nobody Needs to Know

Nobody needs to know because NOBODY will understand. I have been too scared to write for too long because then it will all become real. I will really be leaving him. I will really be falling back in love with you. I prayed for your voice so many nights as I laid in his bed and he would not touch me. I prayed for happiness, and kindness, and a soul that would not weigh more than I could hold. 

The moment you said you were sorry, I was yours all over again. I was back in that twin bed that December morning, when I kissed you before leaving you under my sheets to sleep. I was back in that parking lot spot in the dark and we both tried not to cry of happiness.

I swore you off sitting in my friends bed, drinking cheap Riesling. But here you are, 6 months later; with all the words I've been needing to hear from anyone. And I think "How, if men are so dumb, do they have the ability to know exactly how to be right?"

And he is terrifying, with his hands around my neck he told me I could not do the things he indulged in. 

So I didn't even try to make our last kiss special. I don't remember stepping out of the house and onto the porch. Because I needed to get out as soon as I could, to find you and hear the kind words you had to say.

I am too scared to ask you if we will ever kiss again. I am too scared to ask you if you finally want me. I fear I would not like the answers. So I am silently using your platonic smile as my strength to stay away from him. and nobody needs to know.