I Do

 I am a Christian. I know I know keep my religious spiel to myself but I ensure you that’s not where I was going with this.

Envision twelve black church choir singers receiving a request to perform at a wedding in South Carolina. Sure, it sounds insignificant, but being part of this choir I can proudly say we typically serenaded masses of people, and by masses I mean possibly twenty people, and by people I mean relatives. So this was our opportunity to stand on a stage bigger than the ones we were typically on to an actual audience who would be more critical than Simon Cowell. So my uncle (the choir director) gathered all of the members and their parents into two medium sized vehicles that were crammed way beyond maximum occupancy with undependable A/C. Our goal was to make this into a one day trip, AKA, an experiment for my deodorant. 

If any of you have seen stereotypical African American movies where the family members do nothing but take turns making below the belt jokes about each other in car rides…yes this actually occurs. Four straight hours of “Karl don’t cousin (insert any name here) hair look like a cockatoo?” then the insulted individual turning around and stating “At least I don’t like I ate the last remaining Panda!” All I could do was laugh, snort, and add my own insults to ensure I wouldn’t become the target for jokes. 

Upon arrival to our destination with no stops for food, drinks, or the restroom we discovered our venue wasn’t until the following day. How you ask? We walked in on this wedding and we weren’t on the guest list and all the guest were either Hispanic or White. But of course being enclosed in a minivan with too many people for hours we were too oblivious until we all sat down…in the VIP section. We all felt like Cady Heron after the burn book was released as she walked into the auditorium for the school assembly. The environment was full of finger pointing, murmurs, and eye rolls that were so hard that my optic nerve cringed.

Suddenly my inner being came out and said fuck it. I began recruiting my little cousins to start stealing food, and I gladly began hoarding away refreshments myself. We stole candy, we ate sandwiches, we got free sodas, we took the decorations, and anything and everything within reaching distance became ours. 

That day we sang, laughed, we crashed, and we stole…all in the name of Jesus.


If pain is what gives you character, then Karl's got a full persona. Karl's got a long line of people waiting for apologies, but all he has is a condescending personality and "you're welcome" notes.