Apples Have Too Many Carbs

My attitude towards my ex, like the attitude of people towards their exes, is of disdain. If you were to open the dictionary to the word douche bag, he wouldn't be there, but his face would be among the many douche bags of this world in the thesaurus. But even worse, I came to find, that regardless of his impressive book smarts, he was actually an incredibly stupid douche bag. His stupidity defied the logic he supposedly had enough of to go into computer engineering. At first, I thought I had landed myself a sensitive, intelligent guy that loved candy. Until one day he announced he was going on a diet so he could gain more muscle. So he started eating more...and then out of nowhere he started eating less.

"I need to start cutting." he told me.

"...Cutting?" I said, confused.

"Yeah, he needs to start cutting." agreed our friend, who was in hindsight, just as much of a dumbass as my ex was, if not worse. But he was King of the Dumbasses, since he was the one that convinced him to go on the "diet" in the first place. Cutting is apparently what you do to reduce the fat from your system to get your body ready to handle more muscle or some idiotic explanation given to me by the both of them to convince me what they were doing was logical.

My ex's time working at his mother's pharmacy taught him to be too accurate. He would pour his orange juice, but if it was one drop over, it might "destroy" his diet. He started criticizing what I ate, he would scowl at me as I bought more Girl Scout Cookies from his sister. At the tennis games I was forced to go to for him out of showing support for his "great" tennis skills (HA!) , he would only eat a piece - yes, really, a PIECE of lettuce when he was hungry. Anything else would make him "go over his limit for the day."

One day I brought him over to our friends' regularly scheduled game nights. It was over at my friend Marie's house,  and as an avid gamer, her fuel is chips and carbonated beverages. He walked around her kitchen, pursuing the snacks when he asked Marie a question I knew wasn't going to pan out well.

"Marie," he began. "Are there any healthy snacks here?"

Marie's eyes looked as if they were going to pop from their eye sockets and her hands looked prepared to strangle someone.

"Bitch," she hissed. "you serious?" 

He nodded, confused. She sighed and asked if he wanted an apple. 

"No thanks, apples have too many carbs, it might go over my carb limit for the day."

Looking back, I wish I had started cutting too. Cutting him out of my life. 


Gretchen has been known to eat plenty of carbs, but not as many from apples as she should.