No, I do not want you to give me a hug. I feel like punching something, but instead I will stand silently and endure a hug in the spirit of who can stick it out the longest.

No, I will not get you a drink of ice water. I just fucking climbed up here to this top bunk to lay down with you so you will finally go to fucking sleep and I can have some time to myself. I can’t believe you expect this of me - that somehow I am the unreasonable one for not wanting to climb up that ladder a second time after I’ve gone downstairs and gotten you some fucking ice water.

No, I do not want to stay with you while you poop. I want you to learn to do that shit (ha) by yourself. In private. I love you with all my heart and soul but I don’t need to be in the room for that nonsense. My butt-wiping days are over, son.

No, I do not want to volunteer to help you organize an event for the school. I already attend four meetings a month for various board meetings and committee meetings and shit. Please don’t ask any more of me right now, I’m starting to get burned out.

No, I do not want to cook a wholesome, healthy meal from scratch using organic ingredients and providing a balanced dietary variety of nutrients. You’re not going to fucking eat that shit anyway. You’re going to eat a whole shitload of bread and a token amount of protein and vegetables, and then ask for dessert. Why should I bust my ass for you, taking the time to plan healthy meals, shop for them, unload all the groceries, spend an hour cooking them and then argue with you about how many more bites of fucking broccoli to eat? Ain’t nobody got time for that shit. I want to fucking order takeout and eat off paper plates and throw that shit away. If I’m gonna have to watch you scrape half your dinner in the garbage, I don’t want it to be something I busted my ass on. What a waste.

No. No. No!

No, you can’t.

No, I won’t. I fucking well won’t. You can’t make me.


Caroline Hoover is a mediocre Celtic fiddler, is allergic to shellfish, and has a rare form of Tourette's Syndrome that causes her to randomly blurt out movie quotes and song lyrics when someone says something that reminds her of them. It's not her fault, really.

Caroline Hoover3 Comments