Right now it’s all about showing up. Showing up for myself, for my family, for my class. Showing up for birthday celebrations, death conversations, commitments, and responsibilities. Right now it’s about getting out of bed, getting dressed, and fully inhabiting my day rather than creeping around the dark edges of it. Right now there’s no way to face life except face first and head on.
This week Mary entered hospice and I took my dad to visit a memory care facility. This week my stepbrother turned 48 and a family friend created a wonderful party for him with balloons and kazoos and colored party hats with chin straps and everything. We took videos and photos and recorded our voices and told silly stories and lived in the moment, knowing soon that moment would be gone forever.
Right now I feel a calm center of agency deep inside— a surprise for the girl who moved states to outrun jobs and men, ran out on bar tabs, hid from bills and turned her back on amends— was no one that anyone could count on. Now I’m handed power of attorney, passwords, keys, checkbooks, and bank accounts. Now it’s time for me to show up and receive all of these good and bad and tangled, beautiful, terrible gifts life has to give.