How to Celebrate the Holidays During the Apocalypse

Pretend for as long as you possibly can the holidays won't happen this year at all.  Because anything you deny and avoid will just go away, right??

Reply All to the family email that you're going to a workshop on Owning Your White Privilege instead of the annual XMAS gathering this year. Wonder if anyone would like to join you? 

When an old white man insists on telling you MERRY CHRISTMAS because it's old school light up with sheer joy when your girlfriend says I think HAPPY HANNUKAH is a little  more old school than that. 

Feel your normal blend of complete and utter confusion about how to combine holiday traditions according to the dictates of family religions that no one in your immediate family actively observes.

Avoid all of the parties you've been invited to except for one at a close friend's house where the only thing required of you is to bring something you don't want anymore FROM YOUR OWN HOME. Bring a board game called FART.

Instead of frantically running around buying 10 million gifts LAMINATE EVERYTHING. Photographs! Poems! Pages from your 2009 BITCH calendar! 

Feel great glee when your husband plays "F**k Christmas" by Eric Idle. 

Wait so long to buy a Christmas tree that they are 1/2 off at Lowe's. 

Feel you've got Hannukah covered when your son asks his friends if they want to come over to play a gambling game.

Buy a zip up cat suit with ears, paws and a tail large enough for Dirt Woman. Wear it nonstop at home and then work up the nerve to wear it everywhere else, too Wear it to walk the dog and then to the botanical gardens. Talk to acquaintances like everything is normal. This is your best defense against the Dark Arts. The world CANNOT end while you are in a cat suit.  

Wonder how anyone can celebrate anything in the midst of an insane bigoted monster's rise to power.

Wonder if being angry at everything means you've let him win. Wonder if you can apply what you've learned about transforming anger and outrage into action and service for all people. Decide to be truer to yourself and love everyone a little harder, even during the holidays. Put on your cat suit and decide to face the day ahead.


Valley HaggardComment