Angry Words

 "People in a temper often say a lot of silly, terrible things they mean." - Penelope Gilliatt

We've known each other for almost two years now, dating intermittently over the course of those 730 days. 

I'd call the first few months our honeymoon days. I thought I'd found my life partner and you conveyed the same. 

Then you began feeling trapped, you said. You pushed me away. I was devastated. 

When I started to move on, you came traipsing back into the picture. 

I took you back but suppressed my feelings. Refusing to bring up things that were bothering me for fear of pushing you away again. 

It all came to a boiling point about a year ago. I said I didn't want to be with you - I yelled, I hit myself for not being who you needed - not being enough. 

I think back to the episodes of your anger, often fueled by Jameson and hard cider. Cornering me in the kitchen, flailing your arms, beat red in the face while you yell and yell and yell. 

You're never gotten physical but I'm often scared it might one day come to that. 

Thankfully, you rarely call me names. I can only recall one occasion where you referred to me as a "psycho bitch." 

Later, you said it was because you were out of your mind angry and panicked. You also say that I'm the only person who has ever made you this mad. 

Logic tells me we are in control and have power over our own emotions. We can choose how to respond when we are angry or depressed. 

I wonder if you've really seen black at times and did not mean what you said or if there's actually some truth behind those hatefull words and actions.

 

Richmond, VA

Aspiring counselor. Advocate for sexual assault survivors. Animal lover. Assumes the role of wine drinker with a reading habit. Addict of peanut M&Ms.