I Lost a Piece of Myself

Just this morning I received a message from an agent I was querying. She said that whilst my book "Dragon's Blood" was a good story, it wasn't a right fit for her or her company. I felt a little shattered despite her encouragement to submit to others, and that I would find someone as passionate about my story as I was. 

Ever since I received the rights back to my Magic Series every rejection has hurt ten times worse than normal. I'm trying to tell myself that this is normal, that everyone receives rejections, and I will get back up on my feet. Yet there's another nasty voice in my head that wonders if the publication of my books was just a fluke.

After all, I had publishers interested in my novels Amethyst Epiphany and Phoenix Tears and they, too, returned to me my titles. This, of course, was before they were published yet it stung all the same.

I know that I'm going to have to work hard to make my dreams come true, but I feel emotionally and mentally spent. I spend a lot of time writing and putting my heart and soul into every single piece. I just wish that my hard work would pay off. It's exhausting being told no time and time again, but the ever encouraging people insist that I must keep at it.

I know they're right, but sometimes I just get tired of their chipper attitude. Sometimes life sucks and I'm allowed to be upset about being stuck in the mire when I'm there. Does it mean that I stay there? No. But I'm allowed a good vent or to shed some tears. 

Writing has and always will be, subjective. It doesn't mean that it gets any less frustrating hearing no. I just wish something really good would happen that would bolster my confidence and make me have faith in myself again. Because I'm having a really hard time believing in myself right now. Little Miss Sunshine is faltering in her step. I always encourage others, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone just hold my hand with me in the dark and help me find the light.

I always have to find my strength on my own, and it always hurts each and every time. Perhaps, there's a lesson in this. Maybe no matter what I must perservere and find my own way in the darkness because you cannot always count on someone to be there to help you no matter how much you may wish for them. 

Won't ever stop writing, but right now I'm finding it hard to have a lot of faith in my novels. 

I want to be at the place that I believe in miracles again, but life has been weighing down pretty heavy on me lately. Right now just surviving seems to be a struggle. Slowly, but surely I will get there. Just need to remember why I started writing in the first place and what it means to me. Maybe there I will find something that will help me endure because right now it just seems as if I want to throw in the towel.

Yet I know I would regret doing that if I did it. So I'm holding on for the day where confidence returns again. I have to find that piece of myself I lost. If you find it, please return to sender. I could use it right now. 

Maybe one day I'll write a book about this time in my life after I publish first best seller. Until then...

 

Meadville, PA

Linda M. Crate is a Pennsylvanian based author and writer. Her articles, essays, poetry, short stories, and reviews have been included in various anthologies and magazines both online and in print. You can find Linda here: https://www.facebook.com/Linda-M-Crate-129813357119547/.