Birth of a Bitch

Well, I have been running my mind crazy for a good long time trying to work out a puzzle. Here it is. I’ve been writing for only two years and I’ve already had two people in my tiny universe tell me off after reading something I wrote and who now don’t care to speak to me ever again. Now, you need to understand that I never intended to hurt them. What’s had my head spinning in such a fury of self doubt is: How do I write honestly, true to myself, while also being respectful of others. There’s no easy answer partly because I inherited a wicked sense of dark humor from my father.

Anyways, yesterday I was surfing around youtube pinning down some t’ai chi instruction videos. All this self help stuff starting popping up in my search results, especially those annoying Ted Talks. I’ve pretty much avoided them whenever possible. Until one showed up yesterday called “The Magic of Not Giving a Fuck.” That definitely grabbed my attention so I listened to it. I especially stopped altogether giving a fuck when I got cancer a few years back. It is a liberation I’ve searched for all my life, though it came at a mighty high price. This particular not-giving-a-fuck Ted Talk really grabbed me back from the edge of the guilt pit. 

Most things are just not important enough for me to worry about, though I do slip into a shame spiral when I hurt someone. But to be honest, even though I let go of someone does not mean they aren’t supposed to still think highly of me. Sometimes, I slip right into feeling bad gross about myself mostly because I am not what you would call real kind, gentle, or graceful.

Of course, more Ted Talks popped up and I decided not to ignore them. The other two that spoke to me yesterday were “The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go” and “Why You Need to Be a Bitch.” I am not lying about any of these titles. Feel free to look them up. I’ll keep you posted on my progress in evolving into the bitch who doesn’t give a fuck because she powerfully let go of all negativity. I always knew I had it in me.

Richmond, VA USA.