She missed out so terribly - longing with an ache that curiously masked itself; but, she knew it was there. Pretending it didn't exist changed nothing. Telling herself 'water under the bridge" and that equally unhealthy lie "that was then - this is now, just move one" didn't dethrone the elephant in the room.
The pachyderm thrived invisibly large and looming, nodding its' head quietly, all the while sweeping "it" under the carpet with it's long reaching trunk. Only for "it" to pop out again & again, like a taunting game of hide and seek. There was nothing she could do about it - true enough, in her minds' eye anyway. The capturing a new future despite "it" was the real crisis. She'd mourned the loss for quite some time, multiple times and in many different fashions, throughout the seasons of her life.
Here she was in those golden years, supposedly old enough to be beyond letting the past continue to haunt her. Nonetheless, the tired & saggy elephant came in slowly and quietly, taking its' seat in the corner of her mind. Patiently and quizzically waiting; occasionally interjecting the worn out question "what are you going to do about it?". Ending the waltz with the same age-old flourish, "you should talk to them, let them know how it feels".
She shot back the same tired answer - "Now is not a good time". The elephant whispered "It never is" and then swept the broken pieces back under the carpet for the gazillion'th time.
Highland Springs, VA