ennui

it's funny how i can feel so old and so young at the same time. there's a part of me that feels like i'm not even a "real" adult yet because how could i be a "real" adult when i don't have any "real" responsibility (where, it seems, "real responsibility" is defined as a husband and kids ... we'll get into that ish later, don't worry), but also i am OH so aware that, biologically speaking, i should probably get my dating life in gear if i want to have kids.*

there are days when i want nothing more than to bask in the joy that is my single life forever and ever amen. there were days not long ago when i was fairly certain i didn't want kids in the first place ... and there are days when i long for those days ... because in those days there was no biological-clock-of-impending-doom situation going on. 

but these days?

these days, i've been wanting** the husband, the kids, the white picket fence and all it represents. or at least most of what it represents. i want to meet not just a guy but the right guy. i want to feel all the feels. i want to go through the rituals of two becoming one, of figuring out how to share a life with another person. i want to make a couple of babies with someone and raise them together, and i want to know if that's too much to ask of life.

and it's weird. and it's strange. and it's distracting. and i don't like it. and i don't know what to do about it.

*nevermind that i'm still relegated to the kids' table at most extended family gatherings. this has more to do with me being one of the smallest people in the family than it does with my maturity or lack thereof.

**i want to say "wanting desperately", but i don't want to sound desperate.

 

Richmond, VA