Role-ing with my Homies

I think I am selfish.
I think I am selfish because
I spent $40 on "self-care" (chocolate) this month
I spend an average of 20 minutes on my makeup
I think I'm stunning and stare at myself in mirrors
I talk about myself too much
I relate others' experiences back to my own. 

and yet,
as I evaluate my time,
I spend a disproportionate amount of my life
making sure that I fill every role
that I have assigned to myself
to the fullest extent possible

...good friend
good chorister
good daughter
good neighbor
good student...

...and I,
laying awake at 11:17pm on a Tuesday night...
I am just starting my homework that is due tomorrow.
I lied to my father and said I'd done it
so I could prepare for a choir bake sale
thinking I would have time later, time later, always more time... later...

& I am fully aware that I have 20 minutes, tops,
before my head hits the pillow
& that I am squeezing in a night's worth of work
but I know I'll do it again next week
& probably tomorrow

there are not enough hours in the day
to sustain my lifestyle
to justify it

& here I am
& here I always will be
because what is important to me
will never align with what is
expected of me. 

I think I am selfish. 
I think I am selfish because
I complain too much
I buy $50 foundation because it smells good
I brag shamelessly about my accomplishments
I endlessly pursue goals that have no clear gain what so ever
I expect for my future to be supported but refuse to spend time on things I feel are wasteful like calculus.

... is it selfish though
if these roles are beneficial to others and
my priority is always that which
affects my beloved the most
& most directly ? 

I am starting my homework at 11:17pm.
not because I enjoy staying up
or logarithmic functions,
but because
I am only a good student when my parents need me to be
but
I am always a good friend
because that is where I am always needed.

 

United States