You Can't Be Brave if You're Not Afraid

You can't be brave if you're not afraid. Love that! It’s so odd to me when people say I was brave for coming out and getting divorced. To live my authentic self. I don’t feel brave at all. I was so scared and literally felt so lonely I didn’t know what to do. David and I were barely talking anymore, he was depressed and I was depressed. I wanted to stay together because that’s just what a nice Jewish girl does. No divorce or rocking her families life. I was not brave, I was hopeless, miserable, frightened. I literally saw myself as the lonely lesbian living in a trailer park, while David moved on quickly with a hot young chick who the kids loved and they hated their mom for ruining their safe lil' lovely lives. 

But my life is the complete opposite of that picture I had in my head. Last Sunday in front of my fireplace, and room filled with fresh flowers, candle, sparkly lights, and smells of delicious foods I married my soulmate. My 2 girls were included in the wedding ceremony. David and his girlfriend, his parents and sister, my best friends, Cor’s best friends and my family were there to support and celebrate us. The same people I feared would disown me because I failed and disappointed them. I remember my poor dad thought I had cancer at one point because all he saw was a miserable sad daughter for a year before I finally came out to him and told him David and I were going to get divorced. He LOVED David. Everyone loved David. I loved David, as a brother. Wished that was enough for so long. But it wasn’t for him. He wanted intimacy too. So glad he had the nerve to say that, or else we would have just rolled thru life unhappy, miserable lonely people pretending all the time. I can truly say we both met our perfect partners Created a big team for our kids and family. It seems like a lie, how can they all get along? Because we put our kids first, respect each other, love each other and he knows I was more surprised than anyone to realize why I was never happy with intimate relationships with men. I do have a lot to be grateful for, and you know what…. I was BRAVE.

 

Richmond, VA