The UnAnniversary

Today like any other day I woke up and read my devotional .. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Psalm73:23-24

Today is a strange day for me ... 25 years ago today I was getting married. The marriage only lasted 20 years and I am not even sure if it should have lasted that long. It seems obvious NOW that the marriage was not healthy but when you are in it you fight for it. Well at least I did. I fought for trust, honesty, faithfulness, friendship, integrity, partnership. What I found out I married was deception, lies, selfishness, manipulator and unfaithfulness. My heart still hurts. It broke. Divorce... I am divorced. I was deceived and now I am scared or should I say scarred. Amazing how one letter can change a word .. scared and scarred that is how I feel about stepping out into this dating world. 

I take responsibility for my part in the broken marriage. My only ask would have been leave.. don't cheat and stay. You cheated on me but I was the one who was cheated. You took away a life that created 3 beautiful kids and a family. You crushed that. We all survived and will continue to push through but there are scars, scars that may not show but they are there. Scars of sadness, disappointment, fear of trusting, of anger and not knowing what to do with it, of loneliness and of betrayal. The scars are real and I do feel scared but I know for sure in my scarred broken heart that God is holding my hand and moving me forward. I trust God's timing, I have to or I will crumble. God please guide, direct and encourage on this 25th day that would have been...

 

Suwanee, GA