I don't want to write.... (that was the prompt)

 

I don't want to write about the other night at 7:30 pm Megan was upstairs on FaceTime with her friend, my partner had just come over, and we were in the den with my older daughter. She had her guitar and was fiddling around on it and we were about to show her our engagement video we had that our friend took of us on the mountain as I proposed. 

Megan walks down the steps and says to us, mom my friend just told me that a boy in my school is gay. I replied, " I hope you can be open supportive and not make fun of him or be rude." She says, well I don't believe in gay people or gay marriage and I think you must of been born with something wrong with you mom. I don't mean to be rude, I just don't believe in it, if someone asked me to sign a piece of paper saying that, I would... 

I don't want to be writing that, at that moment I felt a dagger had just went thru my heart and i was frozen. My dear amazing partner responds, "I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and beliefs with us, do you have any information to back that up?" She was obsessed with the Duggars years ago and i feared that influenced her.

I don't want to write that she went on for about 20 minutes saying the same thing over and over. My sweet lil child who was like my third leg when she was growing up. She is still so angry and mad at me and her dad for divorcing and making her feel different by having a gay mom at an age when no kid wants to be different.
 
But at that moment I don't want to admit my heart felt broken. My older daughter was so excited for us and happy for me that I let myself feel relieved and content for just that moment.

I don't want to say that Megan got scared of my non-reaction and said, "Oh now mom hates me, Right MOM!?" So all I said was I'm glad you felt open to voice your opinion because she has been very tight lipped the past 5 years.

BUT I wish I could say that I did tell her how much she hurt me, that my fear of what the outside world thinks of me and judges me is now living inside my safe lil sweet home i created for us a year ago when we moved to RVA.

I don't want to write about how i am punching bag for my daughter and let her talk to me badly sometimes because Im so used to it, i don't even notice unless my partner brings it up to me. I have gotten much stronger and feel less guilty since the divorce and coming out but still have a long way to go. 

I don't want to write about my fear of her as a teenager, and how she is so easily influenced. Im scared of who she will be depending on her friend choices. 

I don't want to say that Im still scared or embarrassed to say I'm gay or have a partner or now engaged to a woman for fear of rejection or judgement.