I have been feeling like crusty, dried toast, without the comfort of butter. Holding myself tightly. I need to loosen my sphincter muscles and stop running around for others. My friend emailed me because I was butting into something I should have stayed out of, wrestling for control of something, I suppose... her words: "Just. Stop. Now!"
I defiantly wipe the liquid that oozes out of my eyes and blow my nose. Allowing myself a good cry, feels like the Hand of God squeezing a dried up grapefruit and just getting pulp. Feelings are "out to lunch." But I am an emotional wreck, lately, carrying on by doing non-productive actions: such as eating excessively and waking from trying to sleep by scrounging around my house for any possible comfort to crunch on or suck on. I have been leaving the TV on while I sneak into the lives of my family and friends on Facebook. Spending too much time watching Discovery ID Channel, spending time I could be doing my tax accounting shopping in Kroger, Costco, or looking in consignment and thrift stores for things I do not need or want and will eventually give away. I have cut my dogs toenails and washed her, twice, in two days.... and the list of OCD activity goes on...
I have felt recalcitrant. Angry. Sad. God has taken away too many people I love and I keep praying that I will be relieve of the bondage of being a human being so I can be a good friend, companion, sister, daughter, to those who have been grieving their loved ones, these past few years, past weeks, past days...
I have felt my age. I am always feeling bitchy when another birthday approaches. (Survival guilt, this year.) I miss my sister Amy. I miss Karoline. I miss my 6 clients who have died, especially Helen. I actually found myself missing the friendship I once had with the first man I was married to for a decade. I miss drinking at times like these but know I will NOT succumb to that first drink! I miss the three Rectors who left my church. I miss the house I used to love to call home and come home to. I miss my dear in-laws: Big W., Jack, and especially, my mother-in-law. I miss my friends, especially Mark. I miss my salad days and David Bowie, Lou Reed, who played such a part in my life.
They say, "You will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it." They also say, "Feelings are not facts." But, today, I say, "Goddamn it! Fact or fiction, my feelings and emotions are real, today!"
I am a caregiver, who is wrestling with God about life and death.