Another night. Of course, I had to. He tries so hard. And it is taco Tuesday all over the world, right? Okay, all that matters is he wants to feed me to say thanks. He believes I saved his life. But I simply nursed him back to health. He saved his own life. No one can save another's life, not if he doesn't want it saved.
His meds have changed him. Some would say for the better. He's loving, kind and sentimental. Before he was mean, sad, angry and mournful, broken up with biting moments of crass humor or cutting sarcasm. We actually were more amused when he was an awful curmudgeon. I mean awful. The kids laughed at his foulness, how he'd get pissed off and tell his grandchildren to fuck off, or I hate that fucking kid referring to one the small neighborhood children.
Not that he meant any of it--or not for long. He had no patience. He still doesn't; he just doesn't care. He's Celexa free-bodied now. Numbed to the pain. Some would wonder why all the pain. But I know. I see him suffer in rage and frustration. That life he thought was promised, the kind with growing old with your wife of 63 years, bickering, holding hands and reminiscing.
He was always himself with her, no matter how much that meant the ogre unleashed his ugly all over us, all over the place. But he could apologize and laugh and lie peacefully in spooned sleep, snoring away the reality of another 12 hour day on his feet in the noise, no one treating him right, yet his duty, loyalty and ethics marching on, always.
On time. He had to be on time, always. Not miss any days in the factory go round. Proud of his stamina and responsibility. If anything, he's been responsible and enduring. Sisyphus and the invisible rock.
And after all those years, those endless hours watching, walking, minding the machines, his retirement a promise of hundreds if not thousands of dealt hands and studied numbers (he's a card counter and that's why he's so good), he finds her gone, only her bodily remains shadowing him like the cool shady relief of memory. But she's a wound too.
So he feeds me. He thinks it's love. I take it. My belly begs me not to. Because it's not enough to love me two tacos large. It's always four taco love, despite my refusal. Today, I ate. Burp.
Huntington Beach, CA
Pamela Gerber is freelance writer and blogger at inthegazeoftheother.com and lives with her husband, two children, aging parents, two dogs and three cats in Huntington Beach, California.