The Trick Is Figuring Out How Not To Cry When You Get The Interview

I was asked to do many things. I received advice, both requested and otherwise. Reading, studying, and contemplating suicide yielded the following:

● Network, network, network
● Pray
● Follow all the advice on how to write and format your cover letter/CV/resume. To paraphrase Yogi Berra, when you read conflicting advice, take it. 
● Use keywords! Use action words! Use action verbs! Use numbers to document what a good employee you were! Even though you don’t have any numbers because you never had that type of job and all you did was do as you were told, plus some, which you thought would be good enough but apparently not. 
● Brag, but be humble!*
● *If you’re a woman beware because people, especially men and other women, do not like uppity women. This probably goes double for Black women.
● Put yourself out there! This includes applying for jobs you are not 100% qualified for because you know, men do this. “Lean in”, sit at the table, act like you belong, even if you don’t!*
● *See above asterisks
● Don’t stop trying -- looking for a job is a full-time job! Approach it as if you were at work, so go to your kitchen table fully dressed, smile and wear makeup! Never mind what to do when trying any more feels like hammering nails through your extremities with an old shoe. Never mind if you already have a job you have to drag yourself to every day, plus other commitments. Never mind if you can’t even be bothered to wear makeup to your own stupid job. 
● Give up and let the universe take over. It might work, it might not, but it feels good. Stop with the giving up when it no longer feels good. Then start again from the beginning. 
● Set up informational interviews! Be proactive! Besides, have you seen the stats on who gets back to you when you reach out? .03% of all informational interview requests get a response! Better than nothing, right?
● Write it down...visualize...you can’t achieve what you can’t dream! You know how the universe responds to these types of requests -- yours goes at the bottom of a stack 1,000,000, 0000,00,0,000000000,0000,000.00342568 pages long. 
● Celebrate other people’s achievements when they get a job because not doing so can lead to bitterness. Plus, karma’s a bitch. 
● Probably avoiding checking your email every two minutes is a good idea. 
● Go on Prozac. 
● Volunteer. Nothing says “I’m willing to work for money” like not working for any money.
● Take a good hard look at your resume and ask yourself “what is wrong with you?” Find an expensive unpaid internship in West Africa/New York City/Syria and go there. Try not to get malaria/dumped by your boyfriend/shot or kidnapped. Get into the type of debt your eventual job at McDonald’s will never touch. 
● LinkedIn has great advice about the power of LinkedIn. Listen to it talk about how awesome it is. Try to mimic it’s stats-heavy, upbeat, lingo-drenched language. Sound like you went to American University. Sound like you iron your underwear. Sound like both your parents are white. 
● Go to yoga, meditate, drink plenty of fruit and vegetable smoothies, drink a bottle of wine, go to bed, wake up the next day, repeat. 
● Try not to cry when you finally get the interview.