I am filling up, spilling over, bursting forth. I am deep in the abyss, falling quickly out of sight. Some days I think it would be easier to go back to feeling nothing at all. Except, I don’t know that I ever really knew those days as well as I wanted to. Today, for the first time ever, I really wonder about that bottle of wine in the fridge, the beer behind it. How long would it take for me to get drunk? How long would it take for me to stop feeling? Because that’s what I want. I’ve had friends who’ve cut themselves to make themselves feel something. I’ve had family who has used and abused all the substances to make themselves numb. I am incredibly strong - my willpower would amaze you, but I’m beginning to wonder…
I just want the pain to stop. Someone recently told me that I need to let my heart break, over and over again, if necessary - and in the context of my healing process she’s right. Well, I’m there. I am high as a kite and my heart is ripping me right through the middle. I feel it on the drive to work, on the way home. When I’m answering emails. When I’m writing. I feel everything. I almost wonder if this is what it would be like to have magical powers and be an empath. This heaviness - this lightness. I see your joy, I see your despair. I see your pain, I see your suffering. I see your hope, I see the light at the end of your tunnel. I want to lift you up, to help. But as I am learning boundaries, I realize that sometimes I can’t help, I can only light a candle for you in my heart. But the wax from those candles is melted and hot and filling me up with pain.
I keep thinking I can not handle one more thing in my life, and then something happens, and I handle it. But I can’t. I am finally getting physically ill. I am eating less. I am sometimes nauseous. I have headaches all the time. My eyes hurt. I can’t cry until I can and then it’s like a river and then it gets shut off and makes my eyes hurt all over again until the dam bursts again 1 week later. I CAN NOT DO THIS. And I have lots of someones to ask for help, but yet no one.
No one deserves pain. I want to shoulder your pain, to help you. All the while my pain has slowly crept up and overwhelmed me and I cannot function. I can’t ask for help, because that would be narcissistic or dramatic. And I can’t ask for help because these people need help, too. But can someone light a candle for me please? Can someone please take some of this heartbreak? Can someone please make this easier? Can someone please pray for me - or not, if you don’t believe? Can someone help me, please?
Phoebe Guider is a writer and artist living with her wife in Richmond, VA. More of her writing can be found at:www.phoebeguider.blogspot.com.