The last year on the surface was /looked awesome. Happy Joyous and Free. But that was only a front and from alcohol. On the inside I've slowly been falling apart. Food and weight has finally found the time to overcome my every thought and life now that the obsession to drink has been removed. People don’t get eating disorders. Not like other addictions at least. You can choose to drink or drug, fuck or gamble, but when it comes to food you have no choice. You must eat to live. Choice only comes in when I get to decide how hungry I must get before I replenish my body. Only when I get to battle between the food that makes me feel better, even for a minute or the foods I hate that I know are better for me. And lastly the choice if I will let the food digest or letting the urge to purge take over. I haven’t gave in in quite some time but that thought comes strong often. If I happen to feel the bulging of my stomach or catch a glance in the mirror after any meal the battle is almost lost. But I live to fight another day. Even the medication isn’t strong enough to take it all away. Its everywhere. Diet pills. Commercials. Models. Driving down monument and seeing all the town out for a run. But I cant even get out of bed some days at the thought of dealing with having to eat. Its overpowering me meal by meal. So many choices. Carbs. Proteins. Sugar. Moderation. Exercise. Weight. Good. Bad. None of it matters in my brain because its all difficult. But again I must succumb. Its just a matter of to what. I hate myself If I do. I hate myself if I don't.
I've never submitted anything I've ever wrote. I've hardly even shared anything about this part of my life. But in an attempt to take the power back in my life i have started to do things i never thought i was capable of. This being one.