the problem with these feelings of worthlessness is that when you’re running good they’re the last things you want to think about, like if you’re at a great party with games and champagne and everyone’s laughing and the pale yellow light is falling just right on some cool painting and you decide “hey I’m going to go into the basement for a few hours and hang out with my crazy uncle who hates me” which of course you would never do
but then after everybody leaves you hear your uncle calling up to you and the light is all wrong now, everything looks old and faded like a photograph of somebody that nobody really knows who it is maybe some long-lost cousin or maybe nobody at all and grandma would have known but she’s been in the ground for over a year and anyway
finally you have to go down and feed the crazy old uncle and he’s yelling at you and even though you know he’s crazy and the things he’s saying don’t really make sense some of them are true, that thing you forgot and that time you let everyone down and the way you’ve been talking about powerwashing the house for six years and now it’s gross and green like some homeless guy’s teeth and of course the neighbors are talking and wishing you would just go away and sell the house to someone else who gives a shit
and after a while you go back upstairs and try to get it going but now that feeling of worthlessness, of how unlovable and useless you are is really big, and all the things you need to do are so small and unimportant. i put the car key back on the key ring, now do you love me, dad? i dumped out the cat litter - a FULL CHANGE and now that room only smells a little like cat pee, at least a lot less than it did, doesn’t that make up for all the times I said I would be there and wasn’t, all the times I swore I would support you and then disappeared and left you to wonder how you came to love someone who doesn’t know how to love you back? what if I wash the litter box out, like, with soap and water?
and it’s all very pathetic but it’s all you have so you try to settle back into routine, even as you wonder what the hell the point even is, and isn’t this routine how we got here, and maybe I need to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT but you look around and wonder, different how? should I live somewhere else, give up eating meat, volunteer for charity, foster a child, open a restaurant, and who the hell am I kidding I’m a cashier in a grocery store and I can’t even hold up my end of that without dropping the entire shitpile in a broken heap and laying on top of it moaning and barfing out this gnaw-gut navel-gazing nonsense that’s no good to anyone
maybe i could throw another party