Questions for My Therapist After a 6 Month Hiatus
1. How come I haven't yet figured out all this shit on my own? Can you please just issue a cheat sheet?
2. How do I get people to do what I want them to do? Will yelling louder work? Will yelling louder in another language work? Which language do you recommend I yell in?
3. How do I not only learn to love myself but feel ecstatic and blissed out and self-assured and competent every minute of while doing so?
4. After "coffee!!" what should be the first thought in my head every morning that will result in a perfect rest of the day?
5. Can you please give me the simple and easy 3 step formula for being my best self and living the life of my dreams?
6. What should I write and how often and in what tone to sound like my most authentic self?
7. Is it more important to get my career, my health, my marriage, my child, my emotions, my psyche, my spirituality or my future in line first?
8. Can I please stop revisiting Mommy and Daddy issues now that we're all grown ups and I understand the patterns intellectually?
9. Will the Whole 30 or raw or vegan or grapefruit green dirt turn me into the woman I want to be? Or can I stick with a strict regimen of pizza and donuts?
10. Is there way to bypass this human body/mind/life work and just skip straight to nirvana?
11. Can you issue me a guarantee that I will in no way fuck up my son on his way to manhood? Where's the form for me to sign?
12. What outfit will help me best express my inner self?
13. Can I act like a queen and be treated like a queen and maintain the modest humility I need to stay spiritually fit?
14. Can I see you again next week? How about tomorrow?