I Will Love Myself When

                                              Divine and Feline, original art by Jennifer Yane

                                             Divine and Feline, original art by Jennifer Yane

I will love myself when I get all my ducks in a row. I will love myself when my thighs don’t touch and my underarms don’t wiggle. I will love myself when I get that degree, when I get that man to marry me, when that woman pledges her eternal love. I will love myself when I get the right car, right house, right job, right lover, right haircut, right motorcycle, right toaster oven. I will love myself when I’m better traveled, more well read, fancier, thinner, prettier, tougher, more successful, more humble, more perfect.

I will love myself when all of my work is done, when I get a glowing review, when I get that job interview. I will love myself when I have 5,000 Facebook friends and a million followers on Twitter. I will love myself when I can remember the punchline to the joke, play the right cards, memorize the right tricks. I will love myself when enough people or the right people or the wrong people love me. I will love myself when my hair stops frizzing, when my boobs stop sagging, when God comes down from heaven and tells me just how great she thinks I am. 

I will love myself when I’ve justified my past and righted all my wrongs. I will love myself when I stop making mistakes and I’m cleared of all my blemishes and have it all figured out. I will love myself when I’ve eliminated the learning curve, when all is forgiven, when I ascend with the angels and rule down upon everyone else from my throne on high. I will love myself when my son’s future is guaranteed, when my husband does what I want him to do when I want him to do it. I will love myself when my first, then second, then my third book is published. I will love myself when I’m no longer scared, angry, messy, vulnerable or uncertain.

I will learn to love myself when I accept that all the things I’ve been doing instead of loving myself don’t work. I will learn to love myself when I ask for help learning how to love myself. I will learn to love myself when I surrender how I think things should be in favor of how they actually are. I will learn to love myself when I realize ducks don't always like to stay in their damn row. I will learn to love myself when I stop trying to be versions of everyone else and start getting to know the child, the teenager, the crone, the wise, kick ass visionary medicine woman living inside me.

 

 

 

 

Valley HaggardComment