Wanted: A mentor/guide/sage/coach/cheerleader/omniscient being to advise me in all areas of my life at all times. Must be available to answer calls on the first ring and make house calls with emergency tissues, snacks, essential oils, extra cash and extravagant praise as needed.
Must have a really big and beautiful vision for my future and the ability to assure me that each move I make is the exact, right one. Must love me, adore me and give me advice that sounds like it was my own idea in a kind, nonjudgmental tone.
Must be highly knowledgeable in the areas of publishing, writing, teaching, administration, marriage, motherhood, sobriety, co-dependency, public speaking, power point, pet-care, house-keeping, finance, yoga, meditation, Netflix, donuts, fried chicken, dream interpretation, self-care, time management, achieving balance, knowing how to feel sexy and young and cool at 40 and web design.
Must be able to read my husband's mind and know all answers pertaining to the future of my son.
Must take insurance. Must be available to start retroactively.
If this is you, or if you have names of numbers of who it might be, please apply IMMEDIATELY.
PS: It has been suggested that the being I seek does not exist. It has also been suggested that aspects of the being I seek can be achieved through prayer, meditation and asking for help. WHATEVER. I don't really like these suggestions. Apply now.