When I'm 40

In 2 days I will turn 40. Thank the Lord. It's about damn time. I am ready to reach this peak, turn this corner, join this club. I'm ready for the new found authority and gravitas 40 is sure to lend me.

I'm ready to stop wondering if I'm a woman or a girl, to answer the question of whether it's possible to survive this long in someone's skin like mine. In 2 days, everything will change!

When I am 40 I won't mail out the tax returns without my husband's signature like I did when I was 39.

I won't question if my outfit makes me look insane or if I'm allowed to wear a bathing suit in public.

My kitchen will clean itself and that army of ants will march itself straight back out the crack from whence they came instead of setting up shop in the oven.

I will stop stubbornly refusing to replace my windshield with the 2.5 foot crack just because I already replaced the damn thing last year. 

I won't second guess my decisions, my intuition or my right to exist. 

I will have regular dental visits, doctor checkups, mammograms. I will treat my body more like a temple than a carnival. 

I will respond to inflammatory situations with grace and dignity rather than react with tantrums and curses.

I won't try to cram too many activities into my day or too many shoes into my closet.

When I'm 40, I will probably even KonMari my house, fitness challenge my body and choose freshly squeezed kale juice over hot glazed donuts. I will always know the right thing to do and I will do it.

Luckily I have two more days to be 39.