Right now, after a deep and miserable 24 hour funk, I'm back. I realized this morning that not only was I depressed, I was actually in a competitive depression with my husband. If he's low I have to be lower. I have to one up him, I have to be more depressed. He can't get ALL the glory. Of all the things I've realized about myself this may be one of the worst. Like last week when a friend and I realized we are competitive eaters. He's not getting more pizza than me... oh no, he ISN'T! Two areas in which one has absolutely no business trying to compete: overeating and misery.
Yay, I'm a winner!
Well, it's good to recognize, accept and hopefully let go. To make up for it this morning I did all the things I could think of to feel better (without drinking Wild Turkey, shooting up or looking for a cowboy). A long slow run, morning pages, my spinach/ spirulina/ dirt/ banana smoothie, 290 vitamins, huffing an essential oil blend, taking an actual shower and now I find myself trying to be competitively happy and well-adjusted. At least I have my priorities straight.
So many dear friends are having total breakdowns right now, or as they are also known, spiritual awakenings. I think sometimes spiritual awakenings happen at your lowest, bottomest, most exposed, humiliated and broken times. So I'm not only sad for my friends in crisis right now, I'm a little competitively jealous too. Dammit, their bottom looks worse than mine! They are going to have bigger and better spiritual awakenings! I should start training for the Spiritual Olympics. 40 Crisis Crunches before the Breakdown 10K followed by the Prayerful Sobbing Javelin Throw.
Sadly enough, I'll probably train as hard as I can to win.